We had a busy week this week. My baby graduated from Pre School on thursday. I cried. Kept the other children home from school to go to it also. I think they enjoyed seeing E as much as she enjoyed having them there. Of course, since she is the center of the universe, I don't think she would have expected anything other than for her entire family to be there! It would have never occurred to her that we wouldn't be! Took three out of four children to the school carnival last night. (the other one went skating with friends, much more cool than hanging out with mom! LOL!) Would have been nice had I known about it more than an hour before it was scheduled to start! We started out with $20 worth of tickets. Each game cost 1 ticket. We pulled ducks out of a small pool, we threw a basketball into a hoop, we tossed rings onto soda bottles, we bounced in the big bouncy tent, we bought paint sticks with numbers on them and played a sort of roulette, we ate pizza, drank cokes and too much cotton candy. It was a great night for it, just a little windy. When we finally left, I stopped and got a mocha on our way to the local DQ for ice cream! It was a really loooong day. I started the morning out taking three of the four to school. Then the youngest and I decided to try and clean house and make some kind of sense out of the chaos we have been living in for weeks now. It didn't go as well as it should have! Although we did take advantage of the nice weather and get several loads of blankets, sheets and towels hung out on the line to dry. Got part of the kitchen floor scrubbed, and got a little cleaning done. Sorted out some winter clothes for storage and got the boys to put up their clean laundry. If I could just bring myself to clean the girls room, I might could get even more cleaned up downstairs by taking all their stuff down here, up there! I do not understand what kind of mental block I have going that is keeping me from even finishing one room. Our surroundings represent what is going on inside us, and judging by my surroundings, I am a MESS inside! I suppose it's the man thing. Total inner conflict. He doesn't seem to realize that when I am gone, I'll be gone. Everything will be done, over kaput. Or he does realize it and that's why he never says anything about it being done. He can't wait! I don't know. can't talk to him about squat. He just wont do it. Useless to try and have conversations, useless to try and express emotions, talk things out. Anything. Just useless. I think that things could return to normal with the other one. Whatever normal might be! I think that should the kids and I move back in, we could resume our somewhat normal life that we had before.
I made myself sick last weekend trying to make sure the kids had some type of "normal family" activities for the holiday weekend. I am sure it cost me somehow, I just haven't figured it out yet! Both he and him and me and the kids went to the pool. Then afterwards, he took them to the movies, just him, not me, not he, just the kids and him. I just don't know how much longer I can do this and not wind up locked up somewhere completely crazy. Men and their toys, don't like to share, just show off, and always have to best the next guy who comes along. Oh well. I'll just keep trying to bring order to my external life and maybe, just maybe, my internal life will start organizing itself. Maybe.